Strange Gratitudes

We’re an odd lot – Americans – when it comes to celebrating our holidays. Never mind the Christmas in October creep, let’s take Thanksgiving and our love-hate relationship with it. “It’s a really big deal here, i’n’t it?” notes my Brit friend Paul. Grounded in the tradition of breaking bread together and being thankful for blessings, it’s become a mad, frantic dash to… I don’t quite know… you fill in the blanks… gluttony, excess, strained pleasantries.

Take my shopping trip to Ralph’s two nights ago around 8:00. I strategically timed it to avoid the after-work rush, and thankfully, no jostling and weird cart-maneuvering were necessary. Of course the shelves were bare of some key items on my list – heavy whipping cream and Happy Eggs (organic, brown and delicious!), and the vibe was more Armageddon than Norman Rockwell’s depiction of warmth, home-cooked food and happiness. The clincher came when the rushed shopper behind me tossed two bags of frozen rolls onto the belt.

I wonder what it is that makes us so disconnected from the meaning and appreciation of days once dedicated to the rhythms of life and simple rites of passage. I’m going to let those musings lie for now because I’m busier these days with my own housekeeping.

For some time, my life has been about my disconnects and reconnects – with loved ones, my habits and purpose. The changes have been glass-shatteringly uncomfortable, but today is a good day – as it is every day – to stop in my tracks and notice the blessings that have come in strange packages.

I’m thankful that:

My daughters and I are happily spending the holiday apart, all of us comfortable in doing what we want and without the need to fulfill obligations.
It’s Thanksgiving morning, and I’m not in the kitchen over-cooking (as in cooking too much food) and burning.
It’s storming in Southern California, and I don’t need to get into a car today.
I have a new non-profit, The Pain to Power Foundation, that is reconnecting me to whatever it is that I want and need.
I’m sitting at my laptop and blogging with joy again.

May your holiday season be filled with strange gratitudes.

Stepping into New Beginnings

I have a story around the Fulfilled Inside, Strong Together Retreat coming up in November that captures the magic of life and how unexpectedly blessings come when you allow them in. The trick is that we most often don’t know what it looks like to truly welcome what we haven’t been used to receiving.

Funnily enough, I met this woman at the very first retreat Rita gave …perhaps it was about five years ago. She was fxxking angry then and what with the “orange one” in power, she is still fxxking angry today. Of course that’s not all she is, and I’ve gotten to see the different shades of her passion and love.

She expressed the greatest resistance to the subject matter – love – and came to me several times before the Early Bird deadline with questions about payment details, anger about Arizona being the destination (with its political climate), and so on and so on.

“I have such a resistance to going,” she said, her statement actually laced with one fxxking after another. “I really don’t want to go, and I know that probably is a sign I should.”

“I’m not here to push you,” I said, “you have time. Go ahead and sit with it some more.”

Only two nights later, I was awakened by the vibration of my phone which had fallen onto my chest. It seemed a dream to read her text, “I’m going to go to the retreat with Rita. I’ll just pay in full to you.”

When we finally talked in person, she told me how miraculous the past several days had been, that after some 20 years since her divorce, she was now in a relationships that in hindsight, had been unfolding for the past month. This old acquaintance had come back into her life through Facebook, and after several long conversations and a deep feeling that this is what she had been opening herself up for, she had a “boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG”

I had never heard her speak so vulnerably, excitedly about how open her heart was. “We truly love each other,” were her exact words. Let me tell you, I love this woman dearly, but “fxxk” and “asshole” were more a part of her vocabulary than the word “love” ever was.

We’ve talked more and since, and realized that just the process, the work she did in deciding whether to attend the retreat was part of opening her heart and stepping into a new beginning. Fancy that.

Shxx Hits the Fan

The day started uneventfully …smoothly and productively even. Then a conversation triggered a rolling, like an earthquake, that rumbled and culminated in tears and shouting. We’ve all been there.

My shoulders started to hunch and as I headed back to my room, I imagined I was going into those old patterns of guilt, hiding, and defensiveness. The “ehhhh, uhhhh, arrgh” going through my head was a bouncing back and forth of not feeling guilty but wondering if maybe I should, wanting to accept responsibility but not knowing what for, maybe even the ever-popular passive-aggressive poor-me I’ve been known to do.

Interestingly, the work I was heading back to was transcription of Rita Harrison’s latest e-book, “Ascension for Grounded People.” If my impulse was to hide, Kismet …that’s not where the book took me. Both soothing and “Wake Up,” it was just what I needed to manage the blow-up.

Well, no need to rehash the details of the conversation or dissect the beast to find out what sparked the explosion. That would have been my part of my old habit of wanting to “stick the dog’s nose in the pee” or “fix things” …both man-glued responses (which I’ll talk about one of these days).

So instead of retrieving the experience and old files, I’ll leave them wherever they are now and jot down what I did differently instead:

It wasn’t my fault, and It wasn’t actually anyone’s.
I allowed the discomfort to wash over me, and then took and gave space and time …without knowing what that would look like.
I embraced that we were having real conversations, person-to-person, direct, authentic, not always happy-happy. Hiding behind texts and emails and empty “Have a nice day” hasn’t been more satisfying.

Before I sign off, here’s something else to help with finding peace in the noise and chaos of life.

What is a Foodie?

Is a Foodie a Food Snob? Too bad we’ve made it so, what with our lives becoming so disconnected from food and a true love and appreciation for it. We don’t grow it anymore. We don’t harvest it anymore. We don’t even cook it for ourselves very much anymore. So in order for a Foodie – someone who truly loves and enjoys food – to be able to savour what they eat, they must look for a quality and experience that isn’t always easily accessible.

…because the process of eating begins way before you put that first forkful in your mouth. The quality of the ingredients and the intention with which it is grown, cooked and eaten – all of this matters in how our bodies enjoy and process our food. But wait. Before you draw a conclusion that I’m advocating that you must eat organic, clean, vegetarian, or whatever it is we think is healthy, I’m not.

I think I’m actually advocating going backwards – not forwards – with respect to food. Back to basics, that is, with food and the intention with which we eat it.

How about if we looked at and changed or refined our assumptions:

Organic is better – not an obsession with organic per se – but quality from the ground up.
Bring the comfort back to food because the ‘ahh’ effect can boost our metabolism if our body is not simultaneously stressing over whether the mashed potatoes with butter will make me fat, or the piece of apple pie a la mode will make my ‘numbers’ spike.
Slow down, be grateful for, and enjoy the process of eating and dining. It’s not the food which is the problem with ‘fast food,’ but the fast.
Open up your mind about what the healthy and unhealthy is. Did you know that avocado oil is not healthy to cook with or overuse?

I invite you to read about Individualized Nutrition Plans (INP) and some of the intuitive eating articles and books out there. As always, I welcome your feedback!

Hiding

I’ve noticed that my living spaces have been dark these past 6 months, and I’m done with it. Burned through 3 light bulbs and taken to carrying a notebook to a favorite place near the canals… all to write in the light.

It’s not just dark spaces but hiding in them that I had become too accustomed to, so I went with my housemates to see a beautiful home right on the ocean, with design details that make you go, “I could get used to this,” and a view that leaves you gobstruck in stillness and silence.

“I want this,” I said, but first I had to decide to stop hiding. I hadn’t noticed I was doing that, by the way, but good friends and allies do, and gently bring it to your attention. So what did I come up with to do?

Pick up the phone! It’s so easy these days to hide behind our telephone’s other functions that conversations seem a big deal. Make it not.
If part of my work is to do social media and marketing, I’m putting myself – my authentic self – back in the equation. Out there. I’m Val Joy, and here’s a new picture!
As an agent, own what it really is and my talent for it, instead of hiding behind my client.
Don’t wait – hunkered down in my dark space – for the opportunities to come knocking on that door. Step out onto and into the Life Path that I designed for myself at some point. Have you had a reading by the way?

What do you resolve to do today when you decide to come out from hiding?

…So What’s with Pink Martini?

I dropped this question in an earlier post to bring up the subject of Why Not Stories, the brain-spin that keeps us from living our dreams and being truly happy. So I’m back to say that with all the advice being given about how to be happy, having to “work for it” may be one of the overlooked elements. Lest you want to jump off right now, let me say that even if happiness takes work, it doesn’t have to look like WORK, whatever big-baddie that word brings up for you.

It doesn’t have to feel like a slog or pushing that darn rock up a hill everyday. But you do need to figure it out and make it happen. Okay, so take my simmering obsession with Pink Martini and the Hollywood Bowl. With the realization that I had much “more living to do,” attending their upcoming engagement at the Bowl jumped to the top of the list as a reachable star. The fabulous “little orchestra” whose music was joy and diversity and love for me was playing at the venue synonymous with the fulfillment of Hollywood dreams.

Choosing this Happiness seemed a no-brainer, and a quick visit to http://www.HollywoodBowl.com revealed that plenty of tickets were available. But here’s where that doggone brain keeps interfering and turning the No-Brainers into what Rita Harrison refers to as the “never-ending story of why not.”

New to L.A +Texted all the folks I know + “Sorry, gotta do this.” Sorry, committed to doing that.” “Thanks, maybe next time.” = No one to go with 😦
No one to go with + No once else to call = No one loves me!
Water (tears) + stuck energy in my heart chakra = “My life is the shxx!”

How then did I get to “happy as a pig in shxx” instead?

One of the firsts is to call this inspirational quote what it is …crap. I don’t get it, don’t buy it. It seems like one of those deep ones that may happen if you learn to “just be,” but hey, that subject is for another blog.

Happiness ain’t free. As someone who’s been bargain-basement shopping for a long time, I suspect that if it did come free or cheap, it might not be worth anything. And if you didn’t have to do anything for it, you might not appreciate it …at all.

So that’s the thing about inspirational quotes. They only tell you how you should feel, not what you have to do to get there, and I had to graduate to asking the right questions. Not statements or directives. Not even Yes/No or Why questions. Good ones that free you from the Why Not stories.

Happiness and the Pursuit of Work

“I’m just looking for what’ll make me happy Dad,” she said with impatience. Dad had paid for his almost thirty-year-old daughter’s last year of grad school (unfinished), watched her leave one job, then another (finished, finished), until a holding pattern seemed to be setting in, without work or school.

“You don’t get to do that yet,” he blurted. Daughter was similarly built to Dad – that apple not falling far from the tree thing – and he had also not finished college before moving from one job to the next with some regularity. One stint did turn into a 25-year career and growing experience until he noticed one day he had the financial security to say goodbye to the working world.

Well, he thought he was retiring from Work, but the reality is we need to do it our whole lives. Defined as the “activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result,” is it work if done in the pursuit of happiness?

I’ve learned the answer is uncategorically Yes, we need to work for and even fight for our happiness …and even though it may look different for each of us, it’s achievement somehow involves making peace with Money, Health and Love. Think about whether that balancing act is a life-long assignment or not!

A combination of:

lucky breaks
good choices, and
putting in the time

seemed responsible for this dad’s ability to retire early, but I suspect now that all three of those things were just different kinds of work. And then the task of finding happiness in the other areas of his life began in earnest. With two divorces behind him, what does success in love look like? The effort to understand what makes the people in his life tick – and then respect it – continues. Good health had even been a bit out of reach. Being given the genes of an 80-year-old dad will do that. So, coming into his 60’s, life was good because he could sleep as much as he needed and loved, whatever time of the day. Simple pleasures are such happiness …but he worked for it.

…so what do you think of the two Happiness quotes I found? If finding happiness in your life looks different, I invite you to comment, follow my blog, and listen to the Ask Rita podcasts for new perspectives on age-old questions.

Pink Martini and the Messy Living Out of Dreams

Living out your dreams isn’t so dreamy; it’s messy. When you reach for the stars, you encounter bad traffic, arguments, and moments when you just “can’t do this anymore.” Then again, isn’t that what Not Living the Life of Your Dreams also looks like? So how do you tell that you’re actually moving towards it or just holding it way out there? Every once in awhile, you either stop and notice, or the universe smacks you in the head and you sputter, “Uh wow, didn’t see that coming.”

Pink Martini at the Hollywood Bowl, August 2

This past Saturday, my friend Paul had a major meltdown – tired, feeling sick, and yes, “I can’t… I just can’t” came out of his mouth more than several times. And this from a guy who had a stroke at age 29, died for about 9 minutes trying to live out, “There’s no such thing as can’t”…and freaking survived!

And yes, that miraculous thing then happened after mucking around in the shxx. He noticed that he had actually moved the Dream closer in, and the Show he had visualized for years was on the cusp of going live.

“Wake-up Call,” is coming into view. It’s about people who reach out for answers and solutions even if our current state of affairs is shitty beyond belief. So if you’d like to be a guest or audience member of Rita Harrison‘s upcoming show, give us a shout. Join her to explore what it can be for you. Click through to my contact page, write WAKE-UP CALL in the Subject line, and GUEST, AUDIENCE (and how many) or BOTH in the message.

So what’s up with Pink Martini? Well, that fabulous big-little group was how I resolved my own mini-mega crisis. I’ve loved them since I first heard Sympathique, and they were playing the Hollywood Bowl! The little girl in me needed to go…and bad, but then all the road blocks popped up: no one to go with, narcoleptic me trying to figure out how to make the trek to and from Long Beach, and as always…money. Yes, all the stories – not reality – was keeping their concert out of my reach. The big boogeyman – feeling alone and unloved – was the storyteller. So if you want to join us the taping of the pilot for Wake-up Call, where the Why Not stories are transformed, email me at http://www.valjoycom/contact.

Fulfilled Inside, Strong Together

Willow Inspirational Retreat November 1-4, Sedona AZ

Did you know that you actually need and deserve time for yourself, especially with all the anxiety and fear-mongering around? So join us for a 4-day retreat in the heart and soul of Sedona, with beautiful accommodations, wonderfully prepared food and ahhh-tivities. You will be away from all the stress, with time for the things that are really important, like feeling fulfilled, strong and loved.

Needless to say, there’s lots more information at the webpage. So here’s our special for you:
Book at the webpage now and pay a $500 deposit, and we will hold the Early Bird pricing until the end of September when the balance is due. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

p.s. Below are the details of the Early Bird pricing:

Single $1701 (instead of $1890)
Two-in-a-room package $2862 (instead of $3180)
Three-in-a-room package $3753 (instead of $4170)
Four-in-a-room package $4644 (instead of $5160)
Without accommodations $981 (instead of $1090)
This offer is good until Friday, August 30. Extended through the holiday weekend until Monday, September 2, Midnight!

By the way, if you pay in full by September 1, you’ll get an additional $100 off!

One Fxxking Thing Every Day

I’ve missed a week – oh shxx, more – of blogging, and if I’m now a self-described blogger (as a bio I’ve just sent out says), I’d better be doing this every freaking day. So that’s been the the life-long challenge. I stare at Hemingway’s “Write drunk; edit sober.” poster every fxxking day and respond by blah-blah quoting it and turning the freaking brilliant guidance into inspirational bullshit. I write stone-cold sober every day, because as someone recently noted about himself, “I’ve been under-drinking for years.”

I usually sit here like earnest Marian the librarian (most of you millenials don’t know who the fxxk she is), trying to turn out a fully-thought-out thought, processed, edited, and laid out on a freaking platter for you to admire. Go to www.valjoy.com. It’s so fxxking joyous and inspirational, it can’t be all that is me. So fxxk that.

It’s time to let the dogs out or the cat out of the bag…whatever. Cliches and cuss words (how quaint that I call them that). That’s all you’re fxxking getting today. If I persist in the not-writing-drunk bollocks (my new favorite word), I have no fxxking thing to edit, sober or not. Then I feel like shxx. At least if I drank, I might get drunk enough to fxxking write a damn post every day.

So this is me writing drunk. A great big Piss Off is stuck in my fxxking liver meridian (where we store anger by the way), and I’m running with it. Forget about trying to find the right fxxking words from all that I know or don’t. Never mind if there’s a fxxking point here. Use fxxking and freaking as many times in this post as I fxxking feel like, and hit the fxxking Publish button whether this is ready for prime time or not.